Have You Got Style?

     Parenting style, that is. Although it would be nice to have good style fashion wise as well. Hopefully I will have some someday!
      So, this week we discussed a specific parenting style. This style is called "Active Parenting" by Michael Popkin. This style discusses the fact that there are un-met needs behind child's misbehaviors. So the way to solve them is to address the unmet need, not necessarily the misbehavior. I'll give some examples...
     Say a child is constantly spending hours on the computer or in front of the TV when they are in the middle of final tests at school. You've tried everything to get them to work on homework. You've threatened with punishment, bribed, cajoled, pleaded, been angry... but nothing has had any effect. You don't know what to do with this kid. So lets define the behavior-- they are showing undue avoidance. They are avoiding stressful or difficult situations. And what is their unmet need that is driving this behavior? They need to have positive withdrawal. We all need to take breaks. We all need a moment to relax, breath for a moment, get our thoughts together. Especially during stressful times. But we need to have appropriate withdrawals. Instead of avoiding situations, we need to take a break and then get back to things. But this child doesn't know how to appropriately withdraw, so they just avoid. So what you need to teach this child is how to withdraw from a situation and come back, instead of just avoiding it.  You can do this by setting an example, by coming in and saying, what do you say we spend an hour working in the yard and then go grab a jamba juice for a break before we finish the yard? Teach proper withdrawal also by withdrawing appropriately yourself. If you spend hours in front of the computer when you are stressed, thats how your children will learn to handle it.
        Other examples would include children rebelling, or trying to control others. Their unmet need is to have power, power over themselves and over their environment. So you give them choices--choices that are age and situation appropriate so they can have some control over their lives. Children who are seeking undo attention-- like always throwing tantrums to get mom's attention or acting out in school to get parent's attention, or hanging all over a parent, never letting go, being loud and obnoxious, etc.-- these children need to have contact and feel like they belong. This includes physical contact. Parents and others should offer touch and contact freely. After a few weeks of excessive physical touch, the behavior should improve. Or so they said in class. :) You should also teach them to be a contributing part of any group they are in. They need to feel like they belong to whatever group they are in and that they are wanted. This is done by being a benefit to the group, not just trying to get something out of it.
      These are just some examples. I really appreciated this parenting style. When he presented it it seemed so logical. I mean, kids don't go around saying 'oh how can I bother mom today and be the most frustrating?' Kids don't know why they are acting out, they just are. They are just trying to get their needs met. Now I've never parented, but it does seem to make sense. The kids have needs that aren't being mets, so they act in a way that will fulfill those needs. I hope this can help me as I parent!