Counsel

      So what we talked about last week can directly relate to this weeks discussion. This week in class we talked about communication within families and the problems and issues that arise because of communication. We also discussed that one good way of communicating is to hold a family council. We'll talk about counseling with our families and how that relates to crisis in just a minute, but I just wanted to touch on a few of the communication problems that we talked about. 

     First off, we have the challenge of nonverbal vs. verbal communication. Think about all the different ways you can say "I love you." You can say it tenderly or passionately as you would to a spouse, you can say it laughingly and happily, as you would to a good friend, you can say it sarcastically or as a question. There are tons of ways to say I love you and they all have a different meaning. But you are saying the same three words each time. So what makes the difference on the meaning? The WAY that you say it... your tone of voice, your facial expression, your body language. It has been estimated that 50-80% of what you're saying is nonverbal (NV). That means that only half or less than half of what you say are your words. When communicating with family members then, it is a challenge to always understand each other when their NV may not match their words. This can be a problem because sometimes you are just tired or upset about something else, so family members may read into your NV when really, you just want to sit down and put your feet up. A  daughter may think her dad really upset with her, when really, he thinks what she is doing is just fine, he just wants to sit down and relax after a long day at work. 

     This brings us to a second problem, which is that of interpreting what others say. We all do it. It's part of how we listen. If we didn't do it, we wouldn't be able to understand what people say. But it is also a problem with communication because we all interpret things differently based on our past experience. So I interpret things differently then even my sister who grew up in the same house as me, with the same parents and is also a girl. We are just different. 

      So there are just two of the issues of communication that we talked about. They are good things to be aware of I think, within a marriage relationship, as well as a family one. And even outside of family, we communicate with tons of people every day and our nonverbal and interpretation affect them too.

    Alright so family councils. We read a talk by Elder Ballard about counseling with our families and it was so good.  It was actually an interview, I guess, with him and his wife. They talked about how you can have a family council very easily. It doesn't always have to include all members of the family, formally sitting together around the table. Elder Ballard talked about how sometimes he would have a council with one of the children as he tucked them into bed and night and discussed their concerns about their lives. The Ballards said that any time two family members are talking together about any kind of problem, incident, issue, etc. (even something simple like keeping the toilet seat up or down), it is a family council. They discussed the benefits to having a council--they said it was very important to involve children in this council because it allows them to have experience in problem solving and helps them be more willing to follow through on the solutions to the problems. If a mother says 'our house is messy all the time and you are going to clean the bathroom and vacuum every week to help out, so hop to it.' That response is likely to be met with rebellion and frustration. But, if the family were to sit down and say, 'our house is often messy and we would like to keep it nice so that the Spirit can more easily dwell here. But mom is busy and doesn't have time to always be the one doing the housework. What do you think we can do to help her out and keep the house clean?' Then you can ask the children for suggestions, sincerely ask them, not just hope they end up at the same conclusion you did. Children can be wise too. So ask them what they think, come up with a plan together, and then they are more likely to be happy to go along with the plan, since they helped create it. (Obviously some children are too young to really be thinking up plans on their own, but it's still okay to include them in the council.) So councils can be very beneficial for a family. It makes the issues and problems that arise, the family's problems and issues. Not just the parents or not just the husband or not just the teenage son's problem. We are a family and we care about what everyone is doing, so we need to all be involved and help to solve the problems.

    One last note  on how this relates to last weeks post... last week I mentioned that we should develop a plan for how to handle crises in our family. Well, what better place to make a plan then in our family councils! It's perfect! (See it's all interconnected :)) So like our family pictured above, who is planning their fire escape route, use family councils to help find answers to problems. And even if it's just husband and wife in the family, councils can still help a lot. Thanks for listening folks!

(If you want to read Elder and Sister Ballard's interview, go here)