This week in class we talked about differences that affect families. We each have a culture within our families--that is, the way that we think and act towards each other, the customs our family lives by. So a lot of these differences can be caused by the dissimilarity in family cultures. For example, If you and your spouse come from different family cultures --which, you will, otherwise that would be like... gross. Cause otherwise you'd come from the same one... and thats awkward-- that can cause problems. If in your family you grew up saying I love you out loud to each other constantly and that is the way that you show and receive love, and then your spouse comes from a family where they never say it out loud, you're probably going to feel that your spouse doesn't love you. When you bring that up, they're thinking 'hello! Of course I love you, I do this and this and this for you!' But you didn't see that because you come from a different culture. Does that make sense? Some other examples of statements to describe family culture include : "In our family, work was very important. You worked hard and did your best to achieve success." or "Education was stressed in my family. Education was first and you did everything you could to get good grades and a good education" or "In my family, food was very important. Food was everything and we based all our get togethers and family functions around food."
So, what is the importance of understanding family cultures? Not only can this concept affect our marriage relationships, it can also affect our relationships with our friends, neighbors, and even siblings. We discussed that there are often different cultures even within families, for example, perhaps between father and sons, they don't say I love you, but between father and daughters, they do. So all of these relationships in our lives are concerned with understanding differences in family cultures. I think a good way of trying to understand this is to question those you love about their family. Ask them things such as 'in your family growing up, did you have a job outside school? Or were you rewarded for your good grades and told that if you kept them up, that your parents would pay for further schooling?' or any questions like that. Get to know someone. Obviously, this kind of conversation would work with friends, neighbors, or spouses, but may not really work between siblings. If there seems to be a difference within families, I think it would be good to just pay attention to what things they are comfortable with and things that they are not. Or notice how they spend their time or how they interact with other siblings or friends. Just opening up and paying attention I think can get us a long way.
Once we have learned about this person's family culture, I think it is important to respect that culture. And if you feel strongly about something that is different about them --as you might in a marriage relationship-- then open up an open discussion about it. Communicate! And maybe not even in a marriage relationship, maybe even just in a close friendship. If you notice it is in their family culture to make brownies for someone every time they want to say I love you, but in your family culture it's important to be health-conscious, then you're going to have a conflict there. But instead of letting these differences destroy relationships and hurt others by keeping them all 'swept under the rug,' lets open up and talk about them. Most often, the one making the brownies (or anything else) doesn't realize that they are sabotaging the healthy friend who just doesn't want to eat that much sugar, fat, or chocolate. They aren't trying to maliciously ruin your healthy diet!
So I guess the point of this post is to help us to find the differences in others, appreciate that they are there and understand that they are a part of the way that person was raised, and then either let it go or talk about it. Work it out! Celebrate differences. Allow them to enrich your relationships, instead of spoiling them.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Grapefruit Syndrome
I recently read a short article in the Ensign entitled Grapefruit Syndrome. I loved the story and thought it had some really great points. Her basic point is that one day she sat down with her new husband to discuss the things that they didn't like about each other, or the things that annoyed them about each other. She told him a few things but the only thing she can still remember from the conversation is that she told him that she could hardly stand it that he ate his grapefruit like an orange. He peeled it and ate it in sections. She said she didn't know anyone else who ate a grapefruit that way and "Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange?" After she got through expressing this to her husband, she asked what things bothered him about her and he said “Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.” Wow. Quite a wake-up call for her. Really, how important was it that she cared about a silly grapefruit? He was a good and honest man who took good care of her and she was bothered about the way he ate a grapefruit. Anyway, she said that this experience began to help her change and not be so quick to find fault.
I love this story. I think it can obviously apply really well to marriage, but I think it can apply to any relationship we ever have in the world. I have roommates that do things differently then I do and I think 'that is so ridiculous, why are you doing that that way?' when in reality, it's just a silly grapefruit. I think relationships with siblings can be looked at this way. I think friendships, neighborhood relationships, work relationships, or any other type of relationship we encounter here can use the test of the grapefruit.
Another point that I think goes along well with this is something I learned last semester when I attended a class with a friend. They were having a discussion about marriage that day and the students were asking questions of the professor and her husband. In that discussion the teacher talked about something that she and her husband implemented in their marriage early on. When conflict arises, they both rate how important the situation is to them. For example, one day they were driving home to their small town and passed the only ice cream shop that was around for awhile. They didn't often get out that way and so she says to her husband, "doesn't an ice cream cone sound nice? Wouldn't you like one?" He said that no, he wouldn't really care for one and they drove on past and soon arrived home. Well, the wife was quite upset at her husband for not stopping to get the ice cream cone. Finally he asked her what was wrong and when she huffily replied 'nothing' he said, "is this about that ice cream cone? Come on now, on a scale of 1-10, how important is this to you?" She said that when he put it that way, she realized it was only about a 2. Which meant that it wasn't worth throwing a fit and causing an argument about it. They began to implement the "On a Scale of 1-10" method in their relationship. Not only did this help them to maintain perspective when they encountered conflict, it also provided a way of solving the conflict. If she had responded that it was a 7 for her and he had said it was a 5 for him, then she would have "won" (for lack of a better term) and they would have gone back to get the ice cream cone. Now, obviously that could be manipulated by either party, but in a good relationship where you are trusting each other, I think that it would be a very good scale to use. Then it doesn't become a power struggle or a battle of wills between the two of you, it's just a matter of importance.
Again, I think this can be applied to any relationship. Obviously it might not work with younger children, or sometimes even teenagers, who might see that everything falls in the 10 category. But I still think it can be productive and useful.
Those are my thoughts this week. Thanks for listening! Sorry it's so long...
I love this story. I think it can obviously apply really well to marriage, but I think it can apply to any relationship we ever have in the world. I have roommates that do things differently then I do and I think 'that is so ridiculous, why are you doing that that way?' when in reality, it's just a silly grapefruit. I think relationships with siblings can be looked at this way. I think friendships, neighborhood relationships, work relationships, or any other type of relationship we encounter here can use the test of the grapefruit.
Another point that I think goes along well with this is something I learned last semester when I attended a class with a friend. They were having a discussion about marriage that day and the students were asking questions of the professor and her husband. In that discussion the teacher talked about something that she and her husband implemented in their marriage early on. When conflict arises, they both rate how important the situation is to them. For example, one day they were driving home to their small town and passed the only ice cream shop that was around for awhile. They didn't often get out that way and so she says to her husband, "doesn't an ice cream cone sound nice? Wouldn't you like one?" He said that no, he wouldn't really care for one and they drove on past and soon arrived home. Well, the wife was quite upset at her husband for not stopping to get the ice cream cone. Finally he asked her what was wrong and when she huffily replied 'nothing' he said, "is this about that ice cream cone? Come on now, on a scale of 1-10, how important is this to you?" She said that when he put it that way, she realized it was only about a 2. Which meant that it wasn't worth throwing a fit and causing an argument about it. They began to implement the "On a Scale of 1-10" method in their relationship. Not only did this help them to maintain perspective when they encountered conflict, it also provided a way of solving the conflict. If she had responded that it was a 7 for her and he had said it was a 5 for him, then she would have "won" (for lack of a better term) and they would have gone back to get the ice cream cone. Now, obviously that could be manipulated by either party, but in a good relationship where you are trusting each other, I think that it would be a very good scale to use. Then it doesn't become a power struggle or a battle of wills between the two of you, it's just a matter of importance.
Again, I think this can be applied to any relationship. Obviously it might not work with younger children, or sometimes even teenagers, who might see that everything falls in the 10 category. But I still think it can be productive and useful.
Those are my thoughts this week. Thanks for listening! Sorry it's so long...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Interesting Thoughts
I read this on one of my friend's blogs and thought it was interesting. I'm not 100% sure that this is a legitimate article, it could be written by some mommy blogger for all I know, but it's cool anyway. And I thought applicable to marriage and family.
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/15/feminist_obsessed_with_mormon_blogs
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/15/feminist_obsessed_with_mormon_blogs
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Trends
TREND: a general direction in which something is developing or changing.
This week in class we discussed trends in society that affect family life. These trends we discussed are: premarital sex, births to unmarried women, living alone, cohabitation, delayed marriage, birth rates, household size, employed mothers, and divorce. My teacher put 3 categories on the board for us to place these trends into, trivial, interesting, and critical. All of these trends fell into critical or interesting.While we were placing them in their categories, I thought we were doing a good job of deciding where these trends should fall. Some like premarital sex, cohabitation, and divorce were placed in the critical category. Some like delayed marriage, falling birth rates, and household size were placed in the interesting category (interesting meaning it's interesting that these things are happening, but it isn't critical to the moral standing of our society). It seemed to make sense that not everything would be critical. But the more that we talked about things, the more I began to see things differently.
Things like living alone and delayed marriage may seem like something that is just interesting. Really, how could it be critical to society to be living alone? And delaying marriage until your a little older really isn't a big deal, right? Thats how I was feeling at first. But what are the reasons people are delaying marriage? The text claimed it was because the emphasis now days is on personal growth and individuality. To me, these sound like selfish reasons. If people are delaying marriage because they feel like it ties them down or because they don't want to have to have the responsibility, then I believe those are selfish reasons. God has declared that we should get married, so we should. Now, I know lots of us out there are just plugging right along and doing our best and Mr. or Mrs. Right just hasn't come our way yet. If that were the cause of all the delayed marriages, then I would place that in the 'interesting' category. We can't control when he or she comes along. That is in God's hands. But, if we are refusing chances or avoiding chances because of selfish reasons, thats when it becomes critical.
Basically, by the end of class, I had come to the conclusion that all of these things should be placed on the critical list. Obviously things like divorce and employed mothers sometimes cannot be avoided, and sometimes are even for the best. But I think as a trend, or something that is starting to occur more often, that is critical. Every one of these trends goes against what I think Heavenly Father would want to see happen in families. He wants us to live enriching, full lives, helping lift and serve those around us. This is best achieved by living in families, full of commitment, hard work, and love.
I guess I don't really know what my conclusions are. I often feel overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to 'change the world' and the way the trends are going. But I know I just have to do what I can with my own family and that is all that the Lord expects. So... lets not follow the worlds trends, huh? Okay good. Sounds great! :)
This week in class we discussed trends in society that affect family life. These trends we discussed are: premarital sex, births to unmarried women, living alone, cohabitation, delayed marriage, birth rates, household size, employed mothers, and divorce. My teacher put 3 categories on the board for us to place these trends into, trivial, interesting, and critical. All of these trends fell into critical or interesting.While we were placing them in their categories, I thought we were doing a good job of deciding where these trends should fall. Some like premarital sex, cohabitation, and divorce were placed in the critical category. Some like delayed marriage, falling birth rates, and household size were placed in the interesting category (interesting meaning it's interesting that these things are happening, but it isn't critical to the moral standing of our society). It seemed to make sense that not everything would be critical. But the more that we talked about things, the more I began to see things differently.
Things like living alone and delayed marriage may seem like something that is just interesting. Really, how could it be critical to society to be living alone? And delaying marriage until your a little older really isn't a big deal, right? Thats how I was feeling at first. But what are the reasons people are delaying marriage? The text claimed it was because the emphasis now days is on personal growth and individuality. To me, these sound like selfish reasons. If people are delaying marriage because they feel like it ties them down or because they don't want to have to have the responsibility, then I believe those are selfish reasons. God has declared that we should get married, so we should. Now, I know lots of us out there are just plugging right along and doing our best and Mr. or Mrs. Right just hasn't come our way yet. If that were the cause of all the delayed marriages, then I would place that in the 'interesting' category. We can't control when he or she comes along. That is in God's hands. But, if we are refusing chances or avoiding chances because of selfish reasons, thats when it becomes critical.
Basically, by the end of class, I had come to the conclusion that all of these things should be placed on the critical list. Obviously things like divorce and employed mothers sometimes cannot be avoided, and sometimes are even for the best. But I think as a trend, or something that is starting to occur more often, that is critical. Every one of these trends goes against what I think Heavenly Father would want to see happen in families. He wants us to live enriching, full lives, helping lift and serve those around us. This is best achieved by living in families, full of commitment, hard work, and love.
I guess I don't really know what my conclusions are. I often feel overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to 'change the world' and the way the trends are going. But I know I just have to do what I can with my own family and that is all that the Lord expects. So... lets not follow the worlds trends, huh? Okay good. Sounds great! :)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Beginning
Well this is the start of a new blog for my family relations class. Hence the familyrelationships160 address. I'm supposed to just be posting every week kind of journal entries about what I am learning and things that I think about marriage and family... since I know SO much about those subjects! Hence the title of possibly crazy thoughts. I'm sure some day I will go back and read this when I'm married and raising children and go HA! I didn't know ANYTHING! But, alas... it is a class assignment. So I will fulfill it and try to not be too crazy in my ideas. So here's to a good semester of learning... hopefully!
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